Each paragraph needs to have a point/message/conclusion that we arrive at the end of each paragraph.
The paragraph body needs to only contain the supporting evidence and logical steps to help the reader arrive at the conclusion. Sentences that do not support this conclusion can be cut out.
The conclusions from each paragraph need to carry a “kick” or “punch”. Something that lets the medical admissions officer feel that you are someone they want in their medical class, instead of another Asian premed applicant whose parents were doctors.
The essay at the moment feels like a collection of paragraphs, but lacks an unifying theme. Meaning the conclusions from each paragraph don’t feel very related, or don’t build on top of each other.